I can remember where I was four years ago when I heard about the “run away bride” – do you? Was it only me or were the rest of you pretty skeptical when you heard about Jennifer Wilbanks (aka the Runaway Bride) missing just days before her pending wedding? I was not surprised when she surfaced a few days later and not at all surprised when I learned that she simply ran from the pressure she was under from her upcoming nuptials! When I heard the initial descriptions of the wedding I instinctively knew she was a runner! So what was the tip off?
When I heard that Jennifer was planning to have 600 guests at her wedding, 14 bridesmaids and 14 groomsmen, I knew that she had little time or energy to invest in preparing for a strong and happy marriage. Her focus was on the pomp and circumstance of the ceremony – instead of focusing on what really mattered – she and her husband-to-be’s relationship. It is a common symptom with runaway brides that they have not had the opportunity through premarital counseling to discuss their fears and anxiety about marriage. More details have shown that John and Jennifer had just a couple of meetings with a pastor and little to no premarriage counseling. As I have often stated: “Couples invest too much in their weddings, which lasts only one day, rather than in their marriage which is intended to last a lifetime.”
However, the good news is that Jennifer showed her complete unpreparedness for marriage before standing at the altar….unlike many couples who because of peer pressure (or family pressure or self-induced pressure) fail to stop a wedding if they are not ready. Instead they make the fatal mistake of entering into the marriage covenant even though in their heart, they are not sure the relationship is God’s will.
Early on in our church I made a commitment to NOT MARRY couples if they were not serious about preparing for their marriage. Forget about preparing for the wedding….that lasts one day!! A marriage is supposed to be for a life time! That is why we have developed a very unusual but highly effective process to prepare couples for marriage called “pre-commitment counseling.” I made a decision a number of years ago to only marry those couples that would begin this process of preparation before they got engaged. Why? Simple! Once there is a ring…there is undue pressure on the couple to get to the altar. When there is no engagement ring – there is no expectation to force a marriage. It gives me, as the counselor, time needed to challenge the couple and help them work on issues. It also gives each person the freedom to end the relationship without the social stigma of “breaking an engagement.”
Along with when the counseling should begin – what do I expect of a couple….
Six Commitments Prior to Marriage.
a. I will only marry a born-again, growing Christian. 2 Cor. 6:14 says that believers should not be unequally yoked, so getting married to another believer is a no-brainer. But both individuals should also show signs of growth: faithful to church, involved in ministry, growing in the Word, prayer and witnessing. Apart of this commitment is for sure that the bride and groom are members of a church that is committed to shepherding and disciplining them if necessary!
b. I will keep myself sexually pure. 1 Thess 4 commands us to keep our vessels pure and that we must learn to control that vessel. Self-control is not automatic with a wedding license! But the premarital time is excellent for teaching that discipline!
c. I will seek my parents’ approval and have harmony in our homes. We are to honor our mother and father and wisdom tells us that our parents, whether believers or not can be used by the Lord to give us God’s counsel! Also 9 out of ten couples that enter into a marriage without parental harmony, end up with major marital issues later.
d. I will marry someone who has quality relationships and friendships with others, especially of the same gender. The groom should have a good track record of friendships with other men; and vice versa for the bride to be! Relational capabilities are seen early through normal healthy friendships.
e. I will wait to get married if the timing is not right. There is no need to rush – and you don’t want to start the marriage off on the wrong foot. Having no job, needing to finish school, or any unresolved conflicts should cause a couple not to rush but to wait till the best situation to occur.
f. I will only marry when I am ready to remove any option of separation and divorce. For twenty years every couple I have married has had to add that phrase to their vows. For believers, the door to divorce should be slammed shut with no provision to crack the door! Every believing couple must have answered the question – “is it ever right for a believer to divorce a believer?”
One last commitment…. I will start my pre-marriage counseling before I get engaged!!! Why am I writing about this? Recently I have talked with a half dozen couples struggling in their marriage and everyone had little to no pre-marriage counseling! Also we have a lot of people NEW to the church and you may not know about the process of preparation that we are committed to. We have a lot of teenagers that need their parents encouragement – when the time comes – to utilize this proven method for marital preparation! I also have had many of our couples recently thank me for the way we handle pre-engagement – it is demanding, but the fruit is worth it!!! Finally, I want to say that it is never too late to do what is right or even to go back and “back fill” what you did not get at the beginning of your marriage. I have taken many a “married” couple through the same process I take engaged couples!
A week after being found, Jennifer agreed to pay $13,000+ to the police department for her hoax and she lost all kinds of money on the wedding. It was a costly thing not to prepare for her marriage. But broken relationships are much more costly!! You see I don’t want to see any of our brides to become a “run away bride.” If that were to happen – Fox News or CNN would ask to interview me and you know I have a “face for radio???” But more so I don’t what you to experience the cost of a broken marriage. Let’s be committed to building great and healthy marriages!!!
PS: She never married the guy….