This past Saturday I was conducting a training event with our church’s top guns (Ministry Community). One of the training tools that I use is writing ministry case studies and discuss how to handle the situations. One of those was the following. As you will see this is a very real situation that when I asked, “who here has faced a situation like this?” more than 75% of the people acknowledged they had. Read it and let me share some thoughts….
More “I won’t’s” then I Do’s”
Your good friends at church, Jake and Karin Mitchell call one night and ask if they could come over and talk. Evidently they need to talk about their 20-something daughter and the relationship she is involved with. Anna grew up at NewSong, graduated HS and went off to college. A matter of fact, you remember the night she was baptized as a junior higher. Once out of school, she started dating Albert. Albert is not a believer. To make thing more complicated, Albert and Anna are living together. The Mitchells have always publicly decried the relationship and the living arrangement. When they arrive they share that Albert and Anna want to get married. Anna wants their blessing and asked for financial help with the wedding. She also told her mom how she has dreamed of Jake giving her away and wanted her to talk to Jake for her. As they tell you the situation it is obvious that Jake and Karin are in conflict. Jake says that if you show support and pay for the wedding you are giving approval to the marriage. Karin does not want to push their only child away. She says that Anna is an adult and is going to make her own decision and that if we want to stay in her life so they can have some input, we have to show her the love of Christ and support her. Things get heated and Jake fires back that it is over his dead body will he walk her down the aisle and he won’t be apart of it. What would you say to them? What counsel would you give?
What is the real issue? From my experience the issue that has to be focused on Anna’s spiritual condition or really what she considers her condition to be – saved or not saved? Anna supposedly made a profession of faith when she was younger. That could be true and the only way to know for sure is to watch what fruit comes forth. That is what Jesus was saying in Matthew 7…
“You will know them by their fruits. Grapes are not gathered from thorn bushes nor figs from thistles, are they? So every good tree bears good fruit, but the bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot produce bad fruit, nor can a bad tree produce good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. So then, you will know them by their fruits. Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter. Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?’And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness.” Matthew 7:16-23
Obviously it is troubling that she is dating an unbeliever and worst living (and probably fornicating) with him as well. Anna needs to be confronted about her relationship with Christ. If she is a member of a church, she needs to be disciplined by the church. This is where you will lose most parents. Most parents I have dealt with in the church will refuse to do the hard work of confronting the child’s spiritual condition. They will be upset with their choices and living arrangement but for the sake of “keeping the relationship or continuing a dialogue with the erring child” they will not ask the hard questions or worst come to a place of saying that their child is NOT a believer. To be honest that is the hardest thing to do but the best and in the long run easiest. You see once you determine that Anna is not a believer, you can understand why she is making the decisions that she is, because she is unregenerate. You will be able to pray more directly and you will be able to know how you should act on the other issues at hand. See if Anna would come to a place of acknowledging that she is not a true believer then she is an unbeliever marrying an unbeliever. She is not outright “unequally yoked” – though it is still not ideal. As a parent you could still participate and not violate your conscience and convictions. You may or may not determine to walk her down the aisle and you may or may not decide to give to the wedding, but at least you know where she stands. I would suggest that you can be benevolent, generous and show the love of Christ to her for evangelistic purposes.
However, if she is unwilling to surrender the claim that she is a believer then it makes it harder. You see as you look at the scriptures it is clear that when a believer is in sin, being disobedient to the scriptures and is unrepentant to any kind of rebuke, we are never to reward but discipline. This is very hard to do but this is what Paul was suggesting in 2 Thessalonians 3….If anyone does not obey our instruction in this letter, take special note of that person and do not associate with him, so that he will be put to shame. Yet do not regard him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother.2 Thessalonians 3:14-15. You see that….the disapproval and rebuke will bring shame and possibly change their behavior.
If Jake and Karin were to confront Anna and she continues to insist that she is a believer, like many have done over the years, they have every Biblical right to withhold any blessings. It would be wrong to give her away under the idea that you as a father are approving of this union. It would be wrong for you to give money to promote and encourage the celebration. As hard as it maybe, you may not even what to attend, depending upon Anna’s attitude. But Anna’s insistence that she is a believer and what she is doing is not sin is a real problem. I believe, as the Bible states, the pressure of a parents’ stand and discipline will either bring her to her senses or it clearly reveals her spiritual condition.
You might say, “I know she is not a believer…why does she have to admit it?” First because the Bible says it is important. She has to personally deal with her sin and spiritual condition. This will lead to genuine repentance or help her see she is not guaranteed redemption. Secondly, you are making a huge assumption, what if she is a believer and it will be your rebuke and stand that brings her out of this carnal fog. It is my experience that well-intentioned “over loving and protecting” parents get in the way of God doing His disciplining work in the lives of wayward believers.
You might say, “this is all too hard, I will take my chances. Hopefully my kid will come around and come back to the Lord and maybe my new son/daughter in law will come to Christ.” Look anything is possible, but we have more cases that show couples NOT come around or worst….the Anna’s of the world do come to their senses and wake up in a marriage with an unbeliever and it is a mess. Divorce is ten times as likely and if there are grandkids involved, enough said! On the contrary, I have heard more times, when people take a stand; it bothers the couple getting married. Some forego a wedding and break up. Some get married and the broken relationship with a parent haunts them until they get right. Some unbelievers come to Christ because of the consist convictions they see. We are not to be ugly, arrogant or harsh with an erring child, but firm and unwavering.
Finally, whatever the spiritual condition, if a child asks for your help and desires you to walk them down the aisle make it on your terms. Demand that they separate and live apart for a period of time. If they refuse, their attitude quickly tells you they only are concerned with their wishes and desires and not your feelings. Demand that they get counseling with your pastor. I personally love those kinds of opportunities. I make it clear that I will not marry them but I will do the premarriage counseling. You as a parent have the right, especially if your child wants money or participation to expect your child to do the things that you want for them. These are not easy situations, but always remember a person’s state and standing with Christ is always the biggest issue. And depending where they stand on that question, you must proceed and deal with them on that basis.